The Flash of July

How on Earth did a month go by so fast??? 

 

 

It probably has something to do with all the terror of a very sick little man. We had a bit of a setback, but now he's doing fantastic!  He's not quite up to 100% yet, but overall, we're SO thankful that he's nearly back to our little man!

 

 

We started July at the lake!  It was a fantastic time with family, family, and more family!  Andrew had his first chance to try tubing behind Uncle Tom's boat.  He was scared, and excited, and thrilled all at the same time.  It was so awesome to watch him go from nervous and doubting to thrilled and PROUD within just a few minutes.  Uncle Tom and Aunt Erica tubed with him, and it was perfect. 

 

His First Time Tubing - That's Terrified Excitement, if I've ever seen it!

 

While Andrew was tearing up the lake, Ben & Jordan (his buddy cousin, as he sometimes calls him...there's 7 weeks between them) were "practicing" on land.  The beach we visited was one that I spent many, many, many days lounging on as a little girl.  My grandparents LOVED to come here, and relax.  It was wonderful to relive my childhood THROUGH my kid(s).  

 

 

 

My lovely Great Aunt Shirley came with us...I wish I had a picture to share.  She spent the day watching our kids, and her grandkids play at the beach, and just grinned the day away...it was so nice to see her and spend time just talking.

 

 

July has been so much fun - I'll follow up with another post at a later time...so many pictures/memories/good times!

 



 

The Day I Proved Irrelevant

It was an ordinary Monday. After a ridiculously frustrating day at work, I hopped in my car, and called - hoping to hear from my Mother-In-Law that Ben had decided he was moving in with Nonna...at least for the night.

Instead, she said, "He's playing outside right now.  He's got a weird bug bite, or something on his legs.  Did you notice it?"

I thought, 'Wait - am I supposed to figure out how to get this child to stop moving long enough for tick checks or something?  I live in the city - why would I do that? No, I didn't notice it - I wrapped him in a blanket, and prayed that when I placed him in bed last night, that he would stay there, and not think of seven-hundred things he forgot to do today, and that he needed to do immediately, so that approximately 6 minutes later I could also go to sleep. Shoot - another thing to add to my "WHY ARE YOU BEING A BAD MOM" list.'

But, I know her question is out of concern, not judgment, so I answer, "no, I didn't see anything last night, but I'm sure he's played outside all day.  I guess I'll check it out when I get there."

*sigh*

I was so close to getting an evening to crawl in bed after dinner...

*double-sigh*



 

 

When I get there, I see this rash - it looks like an angry mosquito bite...I tell my MIL, "It's weird - it kinda looks like...a hickey?"  Weird...

 

Thirty minutes later, it's looking like this:

 

 

 

So, we head home.  I give him Benadryl, and wash his legs, thinking maybe this is an allergic reaction.  It's possible, right?

 

Nope.

 

An hour later?  We have this:

 

*GULP*

 





The next morning, we go to see the Pediatrician, and he says, "It's bruises...it's all bruises."  By this time, they're down his legs, on his bottom, and starting on his feet.

 

Doc says, "Blood work.  Get to the lab.  Now.  No, you can NOT stop for lunch.  You must go.  Now. I will call, and you'll be STAT.  Tell them I called ahead for you - get there now."

 

Um...wow.

 

The next 12 hours were the most terrifying of my life.



 

 

Blood work was inconclusive, and Doc said, "I have no idea.  Get to the ER. No, not the local one - you need to get to Children's Hospital.  They'll have oncology and cardiologists on-site."

 

I'm sorry - did you just say ONCOLOGY???  As in...the C-word that no one that has ever loved anyone wants to hear???  I must've misunderstood you...

 

I did not. 

 

 

After how sick I was during my pregnancy - bed rest for 4 months, strange medications with risky complications, early induction, all that stuff - I was terrified what it may do to our little guy.  I was scared that the treatments to help keep ME safe during my pregnancy would cause problems with him.  Then, when he came, he was absolutely perfect.  He was the healthiest of all our children - I was so thankful.

To think that in mere moments our life could be turned completely upside down, and that this little person's life was TRULY on the line...I have never been so scared in my life.

 

We called everyone we've ever met, and said, "Please.  Pray.  Stop what you are doing, and pray."

And, I'm so beyond thrilled to report that while he is sick - ear infection and some congestion in his lungs, he's good!  It was a virus called HSP - Henoch-Schonlein Purpura - which is a virus-type issue that causes inflammation in the blood vessels.  In six weeks, it should be gone.

When you're sitting with your child, watching bruises appear out of NO WHERE...there is NOTHING can explain the terror.

What amazed me was his JOY through it all.  All the "new people to meet," as he said.  The only disappointment he had was that they tried to make him wear a dress (his hospital gown).  Heeheehee...that's why he's in his undies in all our pics.  With the gown on?  He was looking like this...

Poor Baby Boy in a Dress :o)

 

It's astounding to me how bitter and resentful I had become from the pressures of everyday life.  I didn't realize how selfish and whiny I had become.  God chose this as a moment to snap me out of it. 

 

Of course, he scared the bejeebus out of me...but maybe that's what it would take to see the reality of what I was becoming.

 

I'm just so thankful that he chose to give me a warning - and remind me that we may not have these little people forever, and that there are so precious few moments with them.

 

 

 

 



 

 



 

 

 

Hit the Ground Running!

As we always do, the very first unofficial week of summer (meaning, the first weekend after the last day of school), we hit the campground.  Typically, the boys get out of school Father's Day weekend, so we go camping to celebrate the end of the school year AND spending time with Dad!

This year, however, they were separate, consecutive weeks - so instead of choosing one or the other - we went BOTH!  The first weekend, it was just us 5 and the dog. 

It rained the ENTIRE. TIME.

 

 

Thankfully, our boys are NOT made of sugar...so we all survived.  :)  Our arrival was cloudy and cool, but there was no way we weren't gonna go to the beach!  After about 10-minutes, it began to POUR...I don't think the boys noticed, though...

Look at that little man running for the sand!!!!

The boys got lots and lots (and more lots) of puddle-jumping for the weekend, and sometimes Dad even joined in! 

 

 

Bike-riding required goggles...you know, just in case

 

After a wonderful, if soggy, weekend, we came home and prepared for Fathers Day!  Our little family has gone ever year since we were married.  It's such a great time!  Every year, my siblings keep saying they wish they'd thought to join us - and this year, most of them did!  So, our little five-member family was joined by Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to join!  We totaled 13 in all for Fathers Day staying, and my parents came out for Saturday afternoon!

 

We had our boy(s), and my sister's boys in our camper at night - at 6 months and 19 months, my brother's kiddos are just a bit too little to spend the night...

 

*phew*

 

This was the wake-you-up crew!

 The Wake-up crew started being silly and BOYS about 6am, and would go-go-go-go until about 10pm...when they looked a bit more like...





Camping is TOUGH WORK!

It was such a wonderful time!  So much so, my Dad has determined that the ENTIRE family should start going every year now.  *grin*

 

This is old news for our boy(s), but the rest will be thrilled, I'm sure!

 

We have lots planned for this summer - I hope I remember to take pictures of the rest!!!!





Pic for the Day...

No Story.

No Explanation.

Just a Photo.

Just Joy.

This weekend, we took our back patio from this poor sight..

 

 



Dirty House...dingy, odd patio furniture...



 

Scattered stuff...general yuck...

To THIS!!!!

 

The Whole Patio!



The gray blocks were spares :o)
But we got new chairs, too!

Our A-MAZING new Cinder Block Patio Sofa (and my spokesmodel)

 

I'm WILDLY in love...and want to spend every waking minute out there! The sofa turned out so much better than I anticipated, and I'm just thrilled!

 

We spent much of about 5 days getting it together, and then Saturday I made the cushion and "staged" the rest of the patio.  There are lots of details that I'm just thrilled about, and I may touch on some of them later. 

 

The first, and dearest to my heart...the old coffee can of hens and chickens. 

The hens and chickens are the "chicks" from an old tire my grandma kept that was FULL of chickens.  The coffee can, weathered and worn, held a random collection of screws, nails, and scraps that we found in my grandpa's attic.  Grandma's succulents, in Grandpa's coffee can?  It just makes my heart skip a beat.

The can is TERRIBLY worn, and rusted.  I need to find a way to preserve it in its crusty, rusty state it's now in.  I fear that one good rain will have it rusted through. 

Overall, I'm LOVING this change!!!



Proud (Step)Mom Moment

Look at this little man...



Ready (step) Mom's angle...

 

 

 

Go!  (Dad's angle)

He's been telling his coach for weeks that he wants to pitch.  That's tough to do in a machine-pitch league.

Last night, he got his chance!

He was so proud of himself...and he should be!  He struck out the first three kids!  :o)

I LOVE IT!

Spring!

Our days are full of baseball, and caring for these tiny plants, while doing our best to nurture these little souls.

 

 

Ben Showing off his HARD WORK

 

 

Andrew hadn't even had his first game, and had dirty knees!

 

 

Connor, Our Catcher

Spring always hits like a flash, and we're off - running like headless chickens. 

My introverted brain becomes overwhelmed, and I shut down.  It's frustrating to me that the weather has finally broken, and we're getting more sun than snow (finally!), and I want to hide.

I panic. 

All those people; all those PLANS.  Will I ever have time to clean the house AGAIN?  When will we return to having time for NOTHING?

But, I remember that my boys have been waiting patiently for MONTHS for these days.  Five days a week at the ball field, and they're in Heaven.  We can be outside, with friends, and neighbors, and family from dawn til dusk. 

So, I take a great, big breath, and I remember that I want them to be outgoing people, that enjoy every moment of their life.  And, it's in those moments that I'm so proud of them, and who they are becoming, despite their (step)mom. 

My Weekend...

*sigh*

 

 

 

A strange thing happened to me this weekend, sitting in the hallway, or on the side of the tub (at the SCUBA Hippo...), or wherever I was "allowed," by the little man learning to take care of business...

 

For the FIRST TIME since becoming a mother, his growth bummed me out a bit.

 

I should be THRILLED that we're finally boarding the potty train...hahahaha, see what I did there???

 

Ha!  Sorry...

 

Yes, I should be jumping with glee that the days of SCORES of dollars going to diapers are nearly behind us.  I should be excited that the times of cleaning someone's waste off their bottom are almost done.  Instead, I became rather sad.  Sad that the days of my BABY are ending. 

 

Sad that after all this time, and yes, it's been a LOOOOOONG time, my BABY will be a BOY.

 

I know that he's still my baby, and that all that's really happening is that he is developing properly.  But, it still makes me sad. 

 

He's my boy...but he's my BABY.

 

Good bye, baby Ben.

 

*sniff-sniff*

 

Happy Easter from Us!!!

 

It was the VERY RARE event that our big boys were able to come to church with us...you can't know the thrill we had!!!

 

Ben & I were sick, which made for a tough weekend...but, we'll recover.

 

Baseball starts today!!  Connor is so excited to be playing for the TIGERS!!!!

 

Andrew's first practice is tomorrow.  :o)

It's Why I Do What I Do...

 Make no mistake, it's tough work.  It ain't no joke, y'all.

 

 

Presenting these teeny, tiny people with ideas that men and women have committed their LIVES to learning (and still struggle to grasp sometimes). It's something that I think of every single day. How can I explain to them the impact this has on our lives - even today, after so many years?

We sit in class, and we TALK.  And we SHARE.

 

 

And, we make trees! 

 

 

Then this little mind here tells his Pa and Daddy that we made trees to tell a story about a man that climbed a tree to see Jesus, and that Jesus knew he was there because Jesus loved him, and that Jesus was going to take him out to dinner.

 

Well, it's mostly right...*grin*



 

 

 

 

 

So Simple...

I will be teaching Sunday School at my church now until (at least) Easter. 

 

*gulp*



 

This means I will be taking a dozen-or-so three to seven year olds on a whirlwind trip through some of the "greatest hits" of Jesus' life.

 

A couple Sundays ago, the lesson was about Jesus calling his disciples; calling them fishers of men. 

Now, we've heard this story over & over (and over and over again, if you're like me), and so I searched everywhere for a lesson plan that sparked my interest.

In my searches, there was an idea that was so simple, and such a quick blurb...it wasn't really the meat of the lesson at all, it was the "connecting with kids" type portion...

The lesson suggested that you tell the class something like, "Have you ever been fishing?  It's so fun, and relaxing, and just great!  Now, I have my fishing pole, and my fisherman hat and vest, and even a pile of worms!  I'm just gonna go to the yard out front and fish!"

Then, you let the children tell you that you can't fish in the front yard, because there won't be any fish there to catch - that you MUST go WHERE.  THERE.  ARE.  FISH.

This hit me.  Whoa.  Why can't I just share my love of Christ while I'm at church?  Isn't showing the church that I love Jesus enough? 

Nope, it's sure not. 

I suppose I could go through the motions of fishing in my front yard all day long, and then complain that my fish supply is dwindling.  Then I could complain that I don't understand why, if I'm spending so much time fishing. But, if I'm not casting my line where fish can be found, the only thing I've done is use my energy and resources up, and for nothing.

What a ridiculous "DUH" moment. 

I must admit, I find so much MEAT when I'm looking for ideas to share with these itty bitty people...What I love even more is how these SIMPLE stories provide applications in my own, grown up life, too...

:o)
 

 

 

It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I think the bitter cold has numbed my brain, so, this is just a quick update!


In the TUNDRA ( as I'm calling it), the time you can get outside is fast and fleeting.  If you don't run out and get some playtime during the MOMENTS it's warm, you'll miss it.  So, when the forecast gave us twelve short hours of temperatures above 30 degrees, we RAN for the yard!



 We shoveled a path to the middle of our yard, and the big boy and I started a fort!

Fort Progress

 We didn't bother to finish it -we just laid the ground work...when it's warmer again, maybe we'll try again.  It was fun - I jumped in my snow pants and showed him how it was done - it was a blast!  He was shocked that 1) they made "grown up snow pants," and 2) that I might possibly know how to build a fort ("But you're a MOM!")!

On my valen-birthday, my mom took the kids down to the local sledding hill (it's just down the street).  The little ones were NOT fans of sledding (the fact that it was 12 degrees probably didn't help), but they were excited when they got to the bottom, and saw this playground!  They played with their snowball makers, and sleds, and had a wonderful time.  Grandma wanted to sled more - they weren't interested when they found they could ride a bumblebee!

Yes, playgrounds are STILL fun in the winter!

 Because of the bitter cold (the WEEKEND HIGH was 1 degree - LITERALLY ONE DEGREE), we've spent LOTS of time cooped up in the house.  The boys had ONE DAY of school this week!  Sheesh!

Needless to say, by Friday they were climbing the walls!

I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to do SOMETHING (ANYTHING) to get out of the house, and she mentioned that she'd got a new bowling ball for Christmas and hadn't got to use it yet.  And, that set it all in to motion - Family BOWLING NIGHT!

Now, remember - when "Family" is mentioned, it's not the five of us - no sir!!  Considering that Hubby was working, and Ben was having Nonna withdrawals (he wanted to stay with my in-laws, because it was cuddly), that set the total count of bowlers at FIFTEEN.  *grin*

We got two lanes for $44 for one hour (less than $3 per person for an hour of fun?  I'll take it!), and had the kids on one lane (with Grandma), and the grown ups on a another.  My parents and I covered the lanes, my siblings provided the music (via jukebox), snacks and drinks for all.  We all had SO MUCH fun!!!

Ever tried taking pics in a bowling alley?  It's tough work!

Forgive the evil robot eyes...like I said, bowling alley's are no place for quality pictures

I think it was just the right treatment for cabin fever!  Spending time all together, being "active," and silly!  It was the best!

This was the result of the snow storm that came through last week. 

*GRIN*

 

I was given the day off!  SNOW DAY!!!!  The day started ICE COLD (in these pictures, it was ZERO), but sunny...and with black snow pants, we didn't notice.  :o)

Daddy's Helper :o)

We spent the day as our tiny family (the big boys stayed with their Mom), and played in the snow...well, the dog & I played in the snow...Ben & Daddy WORKED. 

It was nice - no plans, no deadlines, no time clock.  Me, my boys (half of them, at least), and my dog, at my home. 

That's the good stuff.  :o)

My Baby Brother's Family

It's just so sweet...I love this picture!!!

Welcome home, Marshall Thomas!

 

*grin*

Ben keeps saying, "Did Uncle Timmy name really name his new baby Marshmallow?"

 

:o)

 

Lyrics

My brother and his family were shocked to learn that they were expecting a baby.

And while, at the time it was terrifying, everyone had become so thrilled to welcome this new person into our lives and hearts.

 

Yesterday, that little person was found without a heartbeat.  I've written before that our family's love doesn't begin or end in death or birth.  And, in this tiny life lost, we grieve. 

We grieve for the little person that could have been.  We weep for the pain my brother and sister-in-law are feeling.  We feel betrayed by the promise of life.  We feel violated and robbed from missing the chance to be part of this little one's life. The good side is that we, as a family, don't grieve alone.  The bad side is that because we grieve as a family, we ALL feel this hurt. 

Sitting at work, sleep deprived, but unable to explain this hurt and loss to coworkers, this song came on in my queue from my internet radio.  It was then that I went to the bathroom for that UGLY cry we all like to pretend we don't have.

 

 

 

The Father has a plan, though it's hard to see it now.

You feel you're walking all alone, but He is there no doubt.

When the storm around you rages, and you're tossed to and fro,

When you're faced with life's decisions, not sure which way to go...

 

Stand Still

and let God move

Standing still is hard to do

When you feel you have reached the end, He'll make a way for you

Stand Still and let God move

 

When the enemy surrounds you, and the walls are closing in

When the tide is swiftly rising, and you wonder where He's been

There never was a moment, His arms weren't reaching out

You can rest assured, and be secure God is moving right now

 

Stand Still

and let God move

Standing still is hard to do

When you feel you have reached the end, He'll make a way for you

Stand Still and let God move

 

The answer will come, but only in His time.

Stand Still and let God move

 

 

We live life so casually, forgetting just how fragile we really are.  That something can throw our life to a tailspin in the blink of an eye.

 

Hug your babies today, people.

 

 

Last week, we got snow.  Yay! 

Last year, neither of these two wanted ANYTHING to do with it.  THis year?  We couldn't keep them in the house!  Yes, Ben is in his jammies...when I told him we needed to change his clothes before we went outside (it was the first light of the day...don't judge!  *wink*), he told me, "Mumma!  There's no time!~Just get my coat!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was as if he was worried we would miss the snow if we didn't get outside right NOW.  :o)

 

Life is fleeting.  If we don't step outside and enjoy it RIGHT NOW, instead of waiting until we're ready to face the world, we may miss it.

 

This little man teaches ME.  Every Day.

Less...lesson 1 - FOOD

My first Lesson Plan for Living On Less is centered around food.

Tasty Snack- Labor Day Camping

I didn't realize how tough it would be to find pictures to go with this post!

When I became a (step)mom, something strange happened.  I became a food hoarder!  I don't really know how this happened, because it truly seemed to have just been a switch that was flipped. 

Just before I was married, I had been living on my own for TEN YEARS.  In that time, except that I kept a water filter pitcher in the refrigerator, I may not open my refrigerator for WEEKS at a time.  I was single, and life was simple.  I moved my foodstuffs over to our new home in two grocery bags.

Then, sometime during our first summer, I started NEEDING to buy more & more food.  My grandma's knack for a good deal started working for food and snacks instead of new shoes and handbags.  If I found a good deal on something my family would eat, I went crazy.  Is that Sweet Baby Ray's Barbeque Sauce on clearance two bottles for a $1?  I'll take twelve!  Sheesh - this liquid gold is usually $3-4 a bottle, so I just saved our future selves TONS of money!  Then, a week later, it's still on clearance?  I'll take 6 more!  I know we haven't cracked the seal on a single one yet, but we MIGHT SOON.  And, when that day comes, I'll be READY.

...yes, I'm serious...

Last winter, we decided to update our old ice cream freezer, and buy a real ice chest.  I moved (*gulp*) THIRTY packages of hot dogs from one freezer to the next.

In a YEAR, I haven't purchased any new - and we still have FOURTEEN packages, and that's after giving my sister a grocery bag full of her own.

But they were only 10 packs for $10...I bought them...constantly. 

I have learned that I can get them for this price about 4 times a year, so when I get in a pickle, if I'm only patient, they'll be cheap again.

But...wowzers.

When we were newlyweds, I had a small closet and our refrigerator for food.  Now, I have all of that, as well as a large deep freeze, and a massive shelving unit in the laundry room overflowing with food.

It's time to wrangle this in...the problem is that all of the food I've purchased is like the BBQ sauce - it's food fixin's to help MAKE other foods.  This is gonna be tough...

I've decided no "food makers" will be purchased until this is cleared by at least 50%.  That means LOTS of barbequed foods, and recipe searches that need black beans and beef broth - maybe not together. *wink*

Daddy's Helper...and a year of less...

I just love this little man!  He just  makes me giggle every day.  He wears me out every day.  He's the strangest little person, and it's just amazing to see him become a person.

 

 

What a great helper...

...

 

 

...

So, in my attempts at a year of less, there is one thing I'm really trying to make more...and that's posting.  I think I need somewhere to check myself - to see if I'm making progress, and record these moments in my life.

I like the idea of being able to connect to people on MY terms. In this format, it's always been a comfortable access point for me.  I think because the "time" I share with people in a blogging environment isn't dependent on me being in the SAME MOMENT as those I'm connecting with - in all honesty.  I don't have to take time away from that handsome snow removal man (and his Daddy), to truly connect with other people.  And, I truly feel I can connect this way.

I will be making a move toward LESS this weekend.  I haven't decided how I will use this blog in this process - to snap a photo or not?  Who knows...let's wait and see...

A Blended Christmas

This picture, of our children, speaks to me. 

This picture was taken on Sunday, during our Big Boys' Christmas Program at church.  Aside from the idea that these children are on the altar, and worshipping in their way during this holiday season, it's the fact that these four children will forever be connected by the choices of the adults in their lives, but that they are still just children.

The little girl is my big boys' sister.  They spend half of their time with her and their mom, and half their time with Ben and us.  When I think in terms of ME, the relation between us is irrelevant.  But, to them, they are a confused, strange unit.  Ben cannot understand how his brothers have a sister, and he doesn't.  He's been making up a sister, and her name changes every day.  One day her name was Olaf, and she lives in the "North Cold" in an igloo, another day her name is Monkey, and I've never met her because she lives with her mom in a treehouse.

I can't decide if this is cute, or sad.  So, I've decided that I'll let him decide that- that's not my choice to make. 

As a tiny guy, he realized the big boys went away to the same lady every week.  He's asked them who she is, and they, of course, have said, "That's our Mommy."  And so, he calls her Mommy.

This makes HER feel bad - she admitted that she would be heartbroken if her kids called someone else Mommy.  I guess that emotion never occurred to me.  When I questioned it once, I said, "But Ben, I'm Mommy."

His response?  "No, you're Mumma.  Her name is Mommy."  I realized that Mumma means something - Mommy is just a name.

These 4 kids will always be connected.  It's up to us, the grown ups that have tossed them together, to help them learn the values of that connection.

Welcome to 2015!

I'd like to say that I have big plans for 2015...but I don't.

Ben and Olaf inspecting the new Jeep

I'd like to say that I have big goals for 2015...but I don't.

 

We had a wonderful Christmas.  Our boys were loved and enjoyed.  Our house is so full of lego, and trucks, and R/C Jeeps that we can't begin to figure out where it all should go.  We took time to sit and watch movies - just hubby and I, as well as with the kids (we may have watched Frozen 3 or 4 times in the last week *grin*).  We spent time with our families, and a lot more time just in our house.  We even had one day that no one got our of their pajamas!  I think this is what this season is about - getting cozy, snuggling in, and sharing space with one another.

This new year has somehow managed to sneak up on me.  I absorbed the time I was able to spend with my family, time spent teaching my son to play Candyland, making baby gifts for the little ones we're adding to extended family this coming year, and dabbling in knitting for ME. 

I have loved the idea of One Word Resolutions since the first time I heard of it - you pick a single word as your focus for the year, instead of giving yourself yet another to-do list.

Just this morning, I saw one that - after my weeks spent searching - has FINALLY struck the right cord!!! 

That word? 

LESS.

I want less negativity.  I want less distractions, so I can find what God has planned for me.  I want less dependence on money, and its joy-sucking abilities.  I want less anxiety that we're doing right by our child(ren), and whether our house is clean enough, or educational enough, or loving enough. I want less clutter - both literally and emotionally - that gets in the way of truly knowing what they need in this exact moment.

I want less baggage that I carry around just to validate my worth, or to find unwarranted pity (if that's even the right word?), so I can sleep peacefully at night.

I realize this is an odd word to pick, but it's one that I can use as my focus, to help me start moving toward where I need to be.